What does it mean to be an adult? In what way is the grown-up different from the child? How do we recognize emotional maturity?
We may have many answers to those questions but surely any will include the idea that to be grown-up, to attain maturity means to recognize that all our actions have consequences. In the life of the child mistakes are made and forgiven with a simple "I am sorry".
S/he realizes that at times s/he has done the wrong. But nothing is so consequential that it is beyond redemption with an apology and, perhaps, a parental punishment. What s/he does not realize is that his/her actions have enduring consequences. S/he,as a child, does not yet know that one's actions can never be undone no matter how many apologies. We pay for what we take in life. Nothing is really free !
Truth be told, many of us, as would be adults, have yet to fully accept the same lesson. We go through life often realizing we are making mistakes, but we are unwilling to pay the price for them.Like children, we assume we can just say we are sorry or that we try our best and that will be enough. If you doubt the truth of what I say, just ask the smoker who is surprised to get lung cancer as if s/he didn't think s/he would ever pay the price for his/her choices. Or ask the person who does not exercise and over-eats and too early in life has a heart attack. Or the parent who fails to discipline his/her child when they are young and then finds him/herself with an unruly teen. Its not that the choices we make guarantee the consequences but they make them both predictable and likely.
The Torah this week in the parsha of Eikev makes clear that our choices have consequences. From the portion's beginning where Moshe tells the Israelites that if they keep the Torah and do the commandments they will be blessed with prosperity and peace to the end of the reading and the second paragraph of 'shma', the theme of action and consequence is repeated over and over. Indeed this is the recurring theme of the entire book of Devarim.
But we might ask, if G-d loves us why isn't it enough that He reward us for our commitment to Torah. Why does He need to punish us if we fail to observe? The Rabbis taught "The Holy One Blessed be He wanted to merit Israel therefore He gave us Torah and Mitzvot." We can understand that we are given the many many mitzvot so we can earn reward. But why punish us if we fail. True there are many opportunities to earn blessings, but one might wonder if its worth it with all the waiting reproof when we fail and, with all the commandments, there is so much opportunity for failure!
I was thinking about this when I went to visit an elderly and infirm man whom I learn with each week. You may recall him from an earlier blog. Well, I had called his wife earlier in the week and advised that I needed to reschedule our learning time. She said the new time was perfect for him and they would be delighted to see me.
When I got to the apartment I discovered, to my surprise, that he was not home. He had an eye doctors appointment and they had forgotten about our learning appointment. She apologized to me several times for the error and repeated over and over how meaningful the learning time was for her husband!
Now why did the wife of my weekly chavruta need to repeat over and over that the learning time her husband and I shared was so important to him and her? She could have just explained the mistake, as she did, and moved on?
The answer is that she knew what we all know. We don't forget things that have consequences for us. When my chavruta, even at 91 years, has a physicians appointment, he writes it down in his little book. He will neither forget it nor miss it. But our learning does not have that kind of 'chashivut', importance to him. It does not get noted in the book. And do you know why? Because it does not have immediate consequence in his mind. I do not get paid to learn with him. Our learning is a gift! When anything is a gift, with no apparent cost, no matter how precious, in the end it goes unappreciated and typically it gets neglected.
Please don't misunderstand.I am not meaning to be critical of my chavruta. On the contrary, my chavruta taught me something about me, and you, a lesson perhaps more valuable than the hour we would have spent learning. He helped me understand why it is that Hashem had to not only attach reward to keeping the mitzvot, but also attach punishment for failing to keep. If mitzvot only engendered reward with no negative consequence they would go under-valued and neglected. We simply would prioritize our lives so that other things, things that have negative consequences, would dominate our routine. We would miss our purpose in life!
I suspect that its for this reason the father makes the blessing of 'baruch she'ptarani', blessed is He who freed me from the consequences of the punishment for my son's 'avairot', sins, at his son's Bar Mitzvah. The blessing seems most peculiar for a happy time and one filled with hope for the future. Yet, in accord with what we have come to see, the blessing makes sense. To become a Jewish adult is to take responsibility for the consequences of one's actions, to be what is called in tradition a "bar onshin", someone who will be punished for his/her failures. No acceptance of mitzvot can be real and meaningful without knowing that it does not come free! The bar mitzvah, the boy, now man, son of commandments must accept that reality lest all the promise be lost in neglect.
The father makes the blessing so the son can hear! He makes the blessing so his son can fully comprehend that from now on he, the boy, is liable for his own deeds. If all Bar Mitzvah meant was reward and blessing then mitzvot would become cheap and observance a nicety, rather than a commitment. In this backdrop, is it any wonder that for so much of the Jewish world bar,bat Mitzvah makes so little impact on a boy's or girl's life. No matter how big the splash of how lavish the gifts if the young adult does not accept consequences for being a Jew the rite of bar/bat mitzvah will be empty of impact.
Whether in our own lives or in the lives of the children we are raising we must come to terms with the reality that our actions have enduring consequences. Its not enough to just claim the blessing in doing the right. We must acknowledge and accept that failure is more than sad, warranting an apology. Failure is tragic!
Whether in saying the hurtful word to another or failing to keep Shabbat as we need to, we must know that its not enough to mean well.
Meaning well does not help if you drive under the influence and harm someone. Meaning well does not undo the wrongful spiritual act either, whether to another or to Hashem. Knowing that, for sure does not make life easier. But it does make it more likely that we will toe the line and indeed live a life that will be called blessed rather than tragic!
Shabbat Shalom
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Some Thoughts on Hate and Redemption
We have just passed the period of mourning on our national calendar. Tisha B'Av 5770 is a memory. We enter the weeks of 'nechama', consolation. Yet we remain as a people mired in the 'galut' and painfully incomplete. The yearning for Mashiach is as compelling as ever.
In the search for comfort, this week I want to look back with you at what got us here. How have we gotten stuck for so long in this state of brokenness? What can we do to finally bring it to an end?
The Talmud teaches us that the sins of our People committed during the time prior to the destruction of the second Temple were more severe than the sins committed at the time of the destruction of the first. We know this because the first exile lasted but 70 years, while we remain 2000 years later waiting for the culmination of the current exile.
How surprising that is, when we we know the first Temple was destroyed because the Nation violated the three cardinal sins, idolatry, murder, and sexual lasciviousness. The Jews of the second Temple, in the period prior to its destruction, kept the Torah and even were learned. Their sin, the cause of the destruction was, according to the Talmud, that of 'sinat chinam' unwarranted hatred one Jew for another. Could the sin of 'sinat chinam' be more pernicious than the sins of totally forsaking the principles of the Faith?
The mystery goes further. The Talmud also teaches that the power of Torah learning is so great that it can save a person/nation from the awful consequences due them because of commission of the three cardinal sins. Torah protects! If the Jews of the first Temple had studied Torah, even with their terrible 'aveirot', they would have been spared destruction. Yet, the Talmud notes, that as great as the power of Torah to protect is, it cannot protect nation or person from the consequences of the sin of 'sinat chinam'.
Why is this sin of hatred undeserved so consequential as to be irredeemable? What makes it beyond pardon?
I think if we reflect on the sin of hating another we may find clues to the answer. Lets explore hatred. The Talmud calls the 'avaira', "'sinat chinam'",literally that means "hatred for no reason". We might ask, is there such a thing? Does anyone hate for no reason. I mean lets think about the worst kind of hate, say
racism. Every racist has a reason for his/her hate. Hitler, in his own mind, evil as it was, thought he was doing the world a favor in getting rid of the Jews. He perceived us as a blight on humanity.
Those who hate always have reasons.
When the Talmud gives us the famous story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza and how the host of a major event who thought he invited one, his friend, and to his chagrin found that mistakenly he had invited the other, his enemy, refused to allow this enemy any saving dignity, and caused his humiliation by throwing him out, did that host have no reason to hate one of the Kamtzas? I bet you if you gave the host half an hour he would fill you with reasons why the Kamtza he hated was slime and totally undeserving of compassion.
He would tell you why he was right to expel him from the party, maybe even a mitzva.
Ask anyone why they hate someone and they always have a reason. In their own minds the hatred is justified. No, more than justified, typically they will tell you the hatred is indeed a mitzvah. Moreover they will tell you that you too should hate the other.
So then why does the Talmud refer to this sinful hatred as 'sinat chinam' "hatred for nothing". Its not a hatred with no reason? All hatred has a 'reason'. And how can we distinguish this 'sinat chinam', the hate which brought about our destruction and continues to cause us to languish in the galut from hatred that may truly be warranted?
I would like to suggest that the 'chinam', the "for nothing" that the Talmud uses to characterize this hate has not to do with the motivation for the hatred. All hatred has a basis and for that matter a cause, if not a reason. When the Talmud refers to the sinful hate as 'baseless' it means that the base for the hatred is rooted in the hater not in the hated. 'Sinat chinam' is when we hate another not for who they are, but rather because of who we are!
Yes, Hitler would tell you he had a reason to hate the Jews. He would name all our vile characteristics. It was not a hatred with no base. Problem was that the base for his hatred of the Jews lay inside his psyche, not in us. That's the problem with all prejudice. Sure we may give it reasons. But the essential source of our prejudice is rooted inside us, not in the other. No matter how hard we may try to project the reasons for our hate on the other, at the deepest level the hate starts with us, our issues our baggage, our fears.
The reason 'sinat chinam' is so irredeemable, beyond even the worst sins in our Tradition is because we think our hatred is not only not a sin, but, in fact, a good and noble thing. We idealize our hatreds. No matter how bad the sin of idolatry and murder etc are, no one makes them into Torah values! To sin in them is horrific. But the perpetrator knows he has gone against his/her Faith. Bring him/her back to the fold and s/he will do teshuva.
Hatred is not like that. We hate while we eat our b'datz meat. We hate while we learn hours each day. We hate while go make extraordinary sacrifices to raise our children frum and committed.
We hate and never feel guilty about it. We hate and believe our hatred a mitzvah !
We fool ourselves to believe the hatred is deserved and based on the wickedness of the other. We never see that core source of the emotion emanates within us. Perhaps the other is not perfect either. But the hate for them is not earned by them but rather the product of our projections, rooted in our fears and anxieties!
The sad part of the story is that now 2000 years after the Temple's destruction we are no closer to remedying the causes that brought it about. Learn more Torah? That won't help. They were learned then!
Daven more? observe more? None of that will help. We pale before the generation of the Destruction in our Jewish observance.
Its 'sinat chinam' we need to remedy. That's the only way to bring about the 'g'eula', redemption. Yet we remain self-righteous in our prejudices, believing them not only warranted but in-fact mitzvot to maintain!
When we will ever learn?
Are we at least on the road to the true 'nechama', consolation? I fear we have taken every road but the one that leads to the promise of our destiny!
Lets you and I ask ourselves, where does 'sinat chinam' reside in us? Who do we hate where the basis for the hatred is not in them but in our fears, anxieties, and at times self-loathing. Be honest with yourself! If we are, I will guarantee that 90% of the hatred we carry is 'sinat chinam". Oh sure the other isn't perfect! But 'hate', that comes from us!
The first step in the teshuva process is recognizing the sin! That's the one we miss entirely here. And that's the one redemption calls for. Simply recognizing that the hate we carry for another is a sin, and that it is rooted in our flawed character will speed the arrival of Mashiach and make real 'nechama' possible.
Oh when will we ever learn!
Shabbat Shalom
In the search for comfort, this week I want to look back with you at what got us here. How have we gotten stuck for so long in this state of brokenness? What can we do to finally bring it to an end?
The Talmud teaches us that the sins of our People committed during the time prior to the destruction of the second Temple were more severe than the sins committed at the time of the destruction of the first. We know this because the first exile lasted but 70 years, while we remain 2000 years later waiting for the culmination of the current exile.
How surprising that is, when we we know the first Temple was destroyed because the Nation violated the three cardinal sins, idolatry, murder, and sexual lasciviousness. The Jews of the second Temple, in the period prior to its destruction, kept the Torah and even were learned. Their sin, the cause of the destruction was, according to the Talmud, that of 'sinat chinam' unwarranted hatred one Jew for another. Could the sin of 'sinat chinam' be more pernicious than the sins of totally forsaking the principles of the Faith?
The mystery goes further. The Talmud also teaches that the power of Torah learning is so great that it can save a person/nation from the awful consequences due them because of commission of the three cardinal sins. Torah protects! If the Jews of the first Temple had studied Torah, even with their terrible 'aveirot', they would have been spared destruction. Yet, the Talmud notes, that as great as the power of Torah to protect is, it cannot protect nation or person from the consequences of the sin of 'sinat chinam'.
Why is this sin of hatred undeserved so consequential as to be irredeemable? What makes it beyond pardon?
I think if we reflect on the sin of hating another we may find clues to the answer. Lets explore hatred. The Talmud calls the 'avaira', "'sinat chinam'",literally that means "hatred for no reason". We might ask, is there such a thing? Does anyone hate for no reason. I mean lets think about the worst kind of hate, say
racism. Every racist has a reason for his/her hate. Hitler, in his own mind, evil as it was, thought he was doing the world a favor in getting rid of the Jews. He perceived us as a blight on humanity.
Those who hate always have reasons.
When the Talmud gives us the famous story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza and how the host of a major event who thought he invited one, his friend, and to his chagrin found that mistakenly he had invited the other, his enemy, refused to allow this enemy any saving dignity, and caused his humiliation by throwing him out, did that host have no reason to hate one of the Kamtzas? I bet you if you gave the host half an hour he would fill you with reasons why the Kamtza he hated was slime and totally undeserving of compassion.
He would tell you why he was right to expel him from the party, maybe even a mitzva.
Ask anyone why they hate someone and they always have a reason. In their own minds the hatred is justified. No, more than justified, typically they will tell you the hatred is indeed a mitzvah. Moreover they will tell you that you too should hate the other.
So then why does the Talmud refer to this sinful hatred as 'sinat chinam' "hatred for nothing". Its not a hatred with no reason? All hatred has a 'reason'. And how can we distinguish this 'sinat chinam', the hate which brought about our destruction and continues to cause us to languish in the galut from hatred that may truly be warranted?
I would like to suggest that the 'chinam', the "for nothing" that the Talmud uses to characterize this hate has not to do with the motivation for the hatred. All hatred has a basis and for that matter a cause, if not a reason. When the Talmud refers to the sinful hate as 'baseless' it means that the base for the hatred is rooted in the hater not in the hated. 'Sinat chinam' is when we hate another not for who they are, but rather because of who we are!
Yes, Hitler would tell you he had a reason to hate the Jews. He would name all our vile characteristics. It was not a hatred with no base. Problem was that the base for his hatred of the Jews lay inside his psyche, not in us. That's the problem with all prejudice. Sure we may give it reasons. But the essential source of our prejudice is rooted inside us, not in the other. No matter how hard we may try to project the reasons for our hate on the other, at the deepest level the hate starts with us, our issues our baggage, our fears.
The reason 'sinat chinam' is so irredeemable, beyond even the worst sins in our Tradition is because we think our hatred is not only not a sin, but, in fact, a good and noble thing. We idealize our hatreds. No matter how bad the sin of idolatry and murder etc are, no one makes them into Torah values! To sin in them is horrific. But the perpetrator knows he has gone against his/her Faith. Bring him/her back to the fold and s/he will do teshuva.
Hatred is not like that. We hate while we eat our b'datz meat. We hate while we learn hours each day. We hate while go make extraordinary sacrifices to raise our children frum and committed.
We hate and never feel guilty about it. We hate and believe our hatred a mitzvah !
We fool ourselves to believe the hatred is deserved and based on the wickedness of the other. We never see that core source of the emotion emanates within us. Perhaps the other is not perfect either. But the hate for them is not earned by them but rather the product of our projections, rooted in our fears and anxieties!
The sad part of the story is that now 2000 years after the Temple's destruction we are no closer to remedying the causes that brought it about. Learn more Torah? That won't help. They were learned then!
Daven more? observe more? None of that will help. We pale before the generation of the Destruction in our Jewish observance.
Its 'sinat chinam' we need to remedy. That's the only way to bring about the 'g'eula', redemption. Yet we remain self-righteous in our prejudices, believing them not only warranted but in-fact mitzvot to maintain!
When we will ever learn?
Are we at least on the road to the true 'nechama', consolation? I fear we have taken every road but the one that leads to the promise of our destiny!
Lets you and I ask ourselves, where does 'sinat chinam' reside in us? Who do we hate where the basis for the hatred is not in them but in our fears, anxieties, and at times self-loathing. Be honest with yourself! If we are, I will guarantee that 90% of the hatred we carry is 'sinat chinam". Oh sure the other isn't perfect! But 'hate', that comes from us!
The first step in the teshuva process is recognizing the sin! That's the one we miss entirely here. And that's the one redemption calls for. Simply recognizing that the hate we carry for another is a sin, and that it is rooted in our flawed character will speed the arrival of Mashiach and make real 'nechama' possible.
Oh when will we ever learn!
Shabbat Shalom
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Our Standard Deviation
In recent years there has been much debate around Global Warming. No one disputes the fact that in recent decades the average temperature on our planet has increased. No one disputes the fact that if the trend continues warming temps can have devestating consequences on the eco system and on life in general. What is at issue is whether the increased temperatures we are seeing reflect a new reality perhaps caused by the infamous Greenhouse Effect or whether what we are seeing is simply within what statisticians call the Standard Deviation. By Standard Deviation we mean that in the course of any length of time, say perhaps 250 years, we may see fluctuations in temps for a period, either up or down. Those deviations from the average are normal and not reflective of any change in pattern. To us it may look like a significant move, but thats because we are looking at the temps within too limitted a time frame. If we had a larger perspective we might see that the rise or fall is normal within the larger cycle of years and not reflective of a real deviation from the mean. And so the debate rages.
Why do I share this here? I do so because standard deviation, in contrast to real change, is as much an issue in our personal lives as it is operational in global conditions.
This week we begin the 5th book of the Torah, the one we call Devarim. Unlike the other books, Devarim is not the word of G-d transmitted through Moshe but the words of Moshe spoken to the People of Israel in the month before his death and mandated by Hashem to be written as Torah. While the Book has many components, essentially it is a book of Musar, admonishment and challenge. Moshe reviews the journey of the people through the wilderness with the goal of making the people conscious of their vulnerabilities and strengths.
The great Hassidic Rebbes would talk of Devarim as this indespensable guide to living. One Rebbe made it his practice to read each day from it as his source for Musar. What's the magic in the text? Why is it so profound and important?
The answer I believe is that in speaking the message of Devarim to the nation Moshe gave us the greatest of gifts. After all who were those enterring the Promised Land? A whole new generation. They were the children of those who left Egypt. The story of their parents was not theirs. They did not refuse the Land of Israel. They did not worship the Golden Calf. They did not partake of rebellion and murmur. Why should they be reminded of these stories?
Why does Moshe review the past with them as if it belongs to them?
The answer is because indeed it does belong to them! True, they did not commit the sins mentioned. But its part of their legacy, indeed our legacy! If we contextualize the sins in the framework of standard deviation Moshe might say, "Yes you did not sin. Your parents did. But you are just as capable of sin as they are. Its just that in the pattern of life, in the cycle of events, your temptation was not theirs, your circumstances not theirs. But if their situation arose for you, you might fail just as miserably.
You have not outgrown the issues that they succumbed to. You simply are living in a different part of the cycle of the nation's story."
To see this in perspective we might talk of the pattern of relationship between husband and wife. Sometimes the husband (simply used as an example here) may get angry at his wife. He will shout or be mean verbally. Shortly thereafter he will be full of remorse and apologize to his wife with a deep sincerity. He says "I am so very sorry. I won't behave that way again. I am changed."
But has he, really? His 'change' lasts all of three weeks.Then something triggers his rage and again he has an explosion. And again, shortly therafter, he does the apology routine with heartfelt sincerity.
What happened here with the husband (and wife, who is part of the story). Did he change and regress? Did he actually become different and then lapse? The answer is "not at all". While it looked like teshuva,his outburst and apology is part of the pattern, part of the standard deviation. Its the story of his life (and hers). Sometimes the 'change' may last for a few weeks longer or even last a few months longer, but in reality its no change at all. Its simply part of the pattern.
I dare say if most of us had a real perspective on our lives we would sadly see that so much of what we consider growth and change is nothing but playing out a life pattern within our standard deviation. Rav Eliyahu Dessler in his classic Michtav Mai'Eliyahu talks about real change. Real change moves us up to a higher plateau so that we are no longer vulnerable to the same 'nisyanot'.
When we really have grown that which once could tempt us no longer has influence over us. Indeed we have a whole new subset of issues to confront, but they are not the ones we had prior, or at least not in the same way as prior.
Only when the husband in our story above stops entirely from acting out his tantrum on his wife would say he has changed. Though now, at his new level, he might be tempted to be less giving to his wife in moments that formerly made him wrathful. He remains challenged. But at a higher level. Indeed he has changed.
Thats the gift Moshe gives Clal Yisrael in the Book of Devarim. He offers them the perspective that helps them see where they have changed and where their behaviors still fall within the standard deviation and they remain vulnerable. True, they did not commit the sins of the Golden Calf and the 'Meraglim'. But inasmuch as Moshe knew them and saw their patterns he knew the sins belonged to them as much as to their parents.
If an issue like Global Warming about which we have data and some distance engenders such heated debate and remains obscure as to whether we are seeing real change or a recurring pattern, how much more so is real change obscure to the individual who seeks to gain perspective on his/her life. Who of us can be certain if they have really grown or simply are living out the pattern of their life with its ups and downs over and over.
Alone, without the help of another who knows our life and story and who we confide in, its near impossible to have a true perspective. Sadly, without help, all our lives we may go around the same bush, never having made progress despite our intentions. We, like the husband in our story, have much drama, but no change.
Its not enough to be mindful of our individual behaviors. We cannot make improvement unless we know our patterns as well in all their subtlety and complexity.
Moshe gave a gift to our ancestors. He provided them the pespective to see themselves with clarity. We need a husband, a wife, a Rebbe, a friend, another. We need someone who we can tell our stories to and who can speak to us with the straightforwardness of Moshe. We need to ask for our truth.
Shabbat Shalom
Why do I share this here? I do so because standard deviation, in contrast to real change, is as much an issue in our personal lives as it is operational in global conditions.
This week we begin the 5th book of the Torah, the one we call Devarim. Unlike the other books, Devarim is not the word of G-d transmitted through Moshe but the words of Moshe spoken to the People of Israel in the month before his death and mandated by Hashem to be written as Torah. While the Book has many components, essentially it is a book of Musar, admonishment and challenge. Moshe reviews the journey of the people through the wilderness with the goal of making the people conscious of their vulnerabilities and strengths.
The great Hassidic Rebbes would talk of Devarim as this indespensable guide to living. One Rebbe made it his practice to read each day from it as his source for Musar. What's the magic in the text? Why is it so profound and important?
The answer I believe is that in speaking the message of Devarim to the nation Moshe gave us the greatest of gifts. After all who were those enterring the Promised Land? A whole new generation. They were the children of those who left Egypt. The story of their parents was not theirs. They did not refuse the Land of Israel. They did not worship the Golden Calf. They did not partake of rebellion and murmur. Why should they be reminded of these stories?
Why does Moshe review the past with them as if it belongs to them?
The answer is because indeed it does belong to them! True, they did not commit the sins mentioned. But its part of their legacy, indeed our legacy! If we contextualize the sins in the framework of standard deviation Moshe might say, "Yes you did not sin. Your parents did. But you are just as capable of sin as they are. Its just that in the pattern of life, in the cycle of events, your temptation was not theirs, your circumstances not theirs. But if their situation arose for you, you might fail just as miserably.
You have not outgrown the issues that they succumbed to. You simply are living in a different part of the cycle of the nation's story."
To see this in perspective we might talk of the pattern of relationship between husband and wife. Sometimes the husband (simply used as an example here) may get angry at his wife. He will shout or be mean verbally. Shortly thereafter he will be full of remorse and apologize to his wife with a deep sincerity. He says "I am so very sorry. I won't behave that way again. I am changed."
But has he, really? His 'change' lasts all of three weeks.Then something triggers his rage and again he has an explosion. And again, shortly therafter, he does the apology routine with heartfelt sincerity.
What happened here with the husband (and wife, who is part of the story). Did he change and regress? Did he actually become different and then lapse? The answer is "not at all". While it looked like teshuva,his outburst and apology is part of the pattern, part of the standard deviation. Its the story of his life (and hers). Sometimes the 'change' may last for a few weeks longer or even last a few months longer, but in reality its no change at all. Its simply part of the pattern.
I dare say if most of us had a real perspective on our lives we would sadly see that so much of what we consider growth and change is nothing but playing out a life pattern within our standard deviation. Rav Eliyahu Dessler in his classic Michtav Mai'Eliyahu talks about real change. Real change moves us up to a higher plateau so that we are no longer vulnerable to the same 'nisyanot'.
When we really have grown that which once could tempt us no longer has influence over us. Indeed we have a whole new subset of issues to confront, but they are not the ones we had prior, or at least not in the same way as prior.
Only when the husband in our story above stops entirely from acting out his tantrum on his wife would say he has changed. Though now, at his new level, he might be tempted to be less giving to his wife in moments that formerly made him wrathful. He remains challenged. But at a higher level. Indeed he has changed.
Thats the gift Moshe gives Clal Yisrael in the Book of Devarim. He offers them the perspective that helps them see where they have changed and where their behaviors still fall within the standard deviation and they remain vulnerable. True, they did not commit the sins of the Golden Calf and the 'Meraglim'. But inasmuch as Moshe knew them and saw their patterns he knew the sins belonged to them as much as to their parents.
If an issue like Global Warming about which we have data and some distance engenders such heated debate and remains obscure as to whether we are seeing real change or a recurring pattern, how much more so is real change obscure to the individual who seeks to gain perspective on his/her life. Who of us can be certain if they have really grown or simply are living out the pattern of their life with its ups and downs over and over.
Alone, without the help of another who knows our life and story and who we confide in, its near impossible to have a true perspective. Sadly, without help, all our lives we may go around the same bush, never having made progress despite our intentions. We, like the husband in our story, have much drama, but no change.
Its not enough to be mindful of our individual behaviors. We cannot make improvement unless we know our patterns as well in all their subtlety and complexity.
Moshe gave a gift to our ancestors. He provided them the pespective to see themselves with clarity. We need a husband, a wife, a Rebbe, a friend, another. We need someone who we can tell our stories to and who can speak to us with the straightforwardness of Moshe. We need to ask for our truth.
Shabbat Shalom
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Contrast vs Conflict
"...And he will turn the hearts of the fathers back to their children and the hearts of the children will reconcile with their fathers". So says the Prophet Malachi in the haftorah we read on the Shabbat prior to Pesach, Shabbat Hagadol. Who is he speaking about? Who will bring about this wonderful sense of family renewal?
In the end of days, prior to the arrival of the Mashiach, Malachi tell us, it is none other than Eliyahu the Prophet who will bring about the healing and restoration of shalom bayit, peace in the home and within the family.
That Eliyahu, as we know, is the messenger meant to herald the arrival of Mashiach I understand. After all he has lived, according to tradition, throughout our long and horrific national struggle. He knows our pain. He has witnessed it. It is for him to be the voice proclaiming the redemption. But what has Eliyahu to do with family reconciliation? After all he was the prophet who is most known for zealotry in the name of G-d. According to the Book of Kings, he is the prophet who championed the cause of true faith at a time when there were none to listen and virtually a whole nation worshipped Baal. Reconciliation is about compromise. Eliyahu disdained compromise. Reconciliation puts the focus on the persons, it augers a willingness to negotiate the ideal. Eliyahu was driven by the ideal. He had little use for negotiation.
And besides, we might well wonder, what gifts does Eliyahu have to bring about the family healing.
If we are going to understand the role of Eliyahu as the restorer of harmony between the generations I think we will have to look back to an earlier identity of the Prophet. According to tradition Eliyahu, at one time, had a different name. He was none other than Pinchas for whom we title this week's parsha and whose story is told therein. What do we know about Pinchas?
We know, of course, that Pinchas was the zealot who saved the People of Israel from an even greater catastrophe when he slew the Prince of the tribe of Shimon, Zimri, and the Princess of Midian, Kozbi as they publicly engaged in indecent acts. But what about Pinchas in the context of his family?
Pinchas was the grandson of Aharon, the first Kohen. And the son of Elazar, who took over as High Priest after Aharon died. Yet Pinchas was clearly unlike his ancestry. Aharon pursued peace even at the expense of compromise. We are told that he would reconcile enemies estranged by lying to each party about the desire of the other to plead for forgiveness, thereby bringing them together. He was the one who went so far as to collaborate with the People invested in the worship of the Golden Calf when he thought he might thereby minimize the damage. Aharon was one who always saw the 'ends' and would at times justify the 'means' to achieve them.
Pinchas was the opposite. First, he never really was a Kohen. He did not get status as a Priest until after the incident with Zimri and Kozbi. His father was a Kohen. His grandfather was a Kohen, indeed the first.But initially, he,Pinchas, was not. Elazar, his father, in tradition, married a convert. That alone would have rendered him unacceptable as a Kohen were it not for the special blessing of the Divine in this weeks reading.
But even more importantly, Pinchas's personality was different than those who preceded him. He would never compromise the 'means' no matter how noble the 'ends'. He was a 'kanai', a zealot. He was militant and fierce in pursuit of the ideal. When the Israelites go to war against Midian, (next week's parsha), its Pinchas who is commanded to lead them into battle. Elazar, his father, and Kohen Gadol, stays back in the camp, waiting to greet the returnees from war and instruct them. Its Pinchas who goes to fight.
Pinchas was oh so different than his fathers. So much so that we might have wondered if he was ever meant to be part of the priesthood they represented. Yet Hashem names him in the beginning of the parsha of this week "Pinchas son of Elazar son of Aharon the Priest...." Different yes! But still very much a part of the family and its calling!
Many years ago, when I was in my mid 30s, I had a personal crisis. I felt what seemed to be so many conflicting emotions inside. I could not reconcile the many forces that seemed to be vying for preeminence within. All I wanted was to find one simple truth that was mine to guide me. Instead I found complexity within and much ambivalence.
I was living in the States then and I decided to take a trip to Eretz Yisrael for a week in the hopes of finding an answer to my internal 'conflictedness'. I spent the week walking the streets of Yerushalayim waiting and hoping. And sure enough, unbidden, an answer came. And what it was took me by surprise.
I noticed as I walked how everything in Yerushalayim, and particularly in the Old City, is filled with complexity. The streets cover homes and communities destroyed thousands of years ago. They are cherished for their antiquity. Yet today new homes, raising families of the future sit on those ruins as if oblivious to the fact that they once belonged to the past. Stones that were laid by men and women with an agenda and a purpose then, now serve as playground for children playing soccer with no more purpose than to have fun with peers. The Old City contains the most fiercely committed religious groups, the four quarters of Christian, Muslim, Armenian and Jew, all in such close proximity. They live, not as one, on the contrary they are divided at the core, yet they live side by side.
I kept experiencing the dynamic of seeing things, which seemed so starkly different, co-existing in virtually the same space. And I came to realize that contrast is not the same as conflict. Things can be radically different from each other and yet be contained within the whole. I came to understand that I can have many strong and varying components within me and not need to reconcile them. On the contrary,the message of Yerushalayim is that the contrast gives the city its beauty. The work for me is, not to try to homogenize myself, but rather to learn to contain and celebrate the variety within and be at peace with it.
That to me is the story of Pinchas and his family. Pinchas was indeed unlike his father and grandfather, but that did not make him any less worthy to be the heir to the Priesthood and their family name.He evidenced that contrast does not indicate conflict. We can be different from each other, even in the most polar ways, and yet be part of the same community or family.
Its this Pinchas who is Eliyahu.Itsthis message that he will bring in the times of Mashiach to heal the wounds between parents and children. By dint of personal example, Eliyahu will teach parents and children that their differences do not reflect conflict. Rather they reflect the diversity of contrast, that which beautifies a people and a family.
In accepting that those, even if not like us, are part of us, we open the door for Mashiach. We engender the true Shalom, wholeness, balance, alignment, peace!
Shabbat Shalom
In the end of days, prior to the arrival of the Mashiach, Malachi tell us, it is none other than Eliyahu the Prophet who will bring about the healing and restoration of shalom bayit, peace in the home and within the family.
That Eliyahu, as we know, is the messenger meant to herald the arrival of Mashiach I understand. After all he has lived, according to tradition, throughout our long and horrific national struggle. He knows our pain. He has witnessed it. It is for him to be the voice proclaiming the redemption. But what has Eliyahu to do with family reconciliation? After all he was the prophet who is most known for zealotry in the name of G-d. According to the Book of Kings, he is the prophet who championed the cause of true faith at a time when there were none to listen and virtually a whole nation worshipped Baal. Reconciliation is about compromise. Eliyahu disdained compromise. Reconciliation puts the focus on the persons, it augers a willingness to negotiate the ideal. Eliyahu was driven by the ideal. He had little use for negotiation.
And besides, we might well wonder, what gifts does Eliyahu have to bring about the family healing.
If we are going to understand the role of Eliyahu as the restorer of harmony between the generations I think we will have to look back to an earlier identity of the Prophet. According to tradition Eliyahu, at one time, had a different name. He was none other than Pinchas for whom we title this week's parsha and whose story is told therein. What do we know about Pinchas?
We know, of course, that Pinchas was the zealot who saved the People of Israel from an even greater catastrophe when he slew the Prince of the tribe of Shimon, Zimri, and the Princess of Midian, Kozbi as they publicly engaged in indecent acts. But what about Pinchas in the context of his family?
Pinchas was the grandson of Aharon, the first Kohen. And the son of Elazar, who took over as High Priest after Aharon died. Yet Pinchas was clearly unlike his ancestry. Aharon pursued peace even at the expense of compromise. We are told that he would reconcile enemies estranged by lying to each party about the desire of the other to plead for forgiveness, thereby bringing them together. He was the one who went so far as to collaborate with the People invested in the worship of the Golden Calf when he thought he might thereby minimize the damage. Aharon was one who always saw the 'ends' and would at times justify the 'means' to achieve them.
Pinchas was the opposite. First, he never really was a Kohen. He did not get status as a Priest until after the incident with Zimri and Kozbi. His father was a Kohen. His grandfather was a Kohen, indeed the first.But initially, he,Pinchas, was not. Elazar, his father, in tradition, married a convert. That alone would have rendered him unacceptable as a Kohen were it not for the special blessing of the Divine in this weeks reading.
But even more importantly, Pinchas's personality was different than those who preceded him. He would never compromise the 'means' no matter how noble the 'ends'. He was a 'kanai', a zealot. He was militant and fierce in pursuit of the ideal. When the Israelites go to war against Midian, (next week's parsha), its Pinchas who is commanded to lead them into battle. Elazar, his father, and Kohen Gadol, stays back in the camp, waiting to greet the returnees from war and instruct them. Its Pinchas who goes to fight.
Pinchas was oh so different than his fathers. So much so that we might have wondered if he was ever meant to be part of the priesthood they represented. Yet Hashem names him in the beginning of the parsha of this week "Pinchas son of Elazar son of Aharon the Priest...." Different yes! But still very much a part of the family and its calling!
Many years ago, when I was in my mid 30s, I had a personal crisis. I felt what seemed to be so many conflicting emotions inside. I could not reconcile the many forces that seemed to be vying for preeminence within. All I wanted was to find one simple truth that was mine to guide me. Instead I found complexity within and much ambivalence.
I was living in the States then and I decided to take a trip to Eretz Yisrael for a week in the hopes of finding an answer to my internal 'conflictedness'. I spent the week walking the streets of Yerushalayim waiting and hoping. And sure enough, unbidden, an answer came. And what it was took me by surprise.
I noticed as I walked how everything in Yerushalayim, and particularly in the Old City, is filled with complexity. The streets cover homes and communities destroyed thousands of years ago. They are cherished for their antiquity. Yet today new homes, raising families of the future sit on those ruins as if oblivious to the fact that they once belonged to the past. Stones that were laid by men and women with an agenda and a purpose then, now serve as playground for children playing soccer with no more purpose than to have fun with peers. The Old City contains the most fiercely committed religious groups, the four quarters of Christian, Muslim, Armenian and Jew, all in such close proximity. They live, not as one, on the contrary they are divided at the core, yet they live side by side.
I kept experiencing the dynamic of seeing things, which seemed so starkly different, co-existing in virtually the same space. And I came to realize that contrast is not the same as conflict. Things can be radically different from each other and yet be contained within the whole. I came to understand that I can have many strong and varying components within me and not need to reconcile them. On the contrary,the message of Yerushalayim is that the contrast gives the city its beauty. The work for me is, not to try to homogenize myself, but rather to learn to contain and celebrate the variety within and be at peace with it.
That to me is the story of Pinchas and his family. Pinchas was indeed unlike his father and grandfather, but that did not make him any less worthy to be the heir to the Priesthood and their family name.He evidenced that contrast does not indicate conflict. We can be different from each other, even in the most polar ways, and yet be part of the same community or family.
Its this Pinchas who is Eliyahu.Itsthis message that he will bring in the times of Mashiach to heal the wounds between parents and children. By dint of personal example, Eliyahu will teach parents and children that their differences do not reflect conflict. Rather they reflect the diversity of contrast, that which beautifies a people and a family.
In accepting that those, even if not like us, are part of us, we open the door for Mashiach. We engender the true Shalom, wholeness, balance, alignment, peace!
Shabbat Shalom
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"What Me Worry?"
The Talmud tells us of the great Amora Rav that he often frequented the cemetary there to commune with the dead. He would ask them of what did they die. In 99 out of a hundred cases the dead told him that they died as a result of the 'ayin hara', the evil eye. Only one in a hundred died due to the natural course of events (Bava Metziya 108b).
We know the 'ayin hara' is put on us by others, often those envious of us. In virtually all cases, neither the one causing the 'ayin hara' nor the one affected by it is aware of the dynamics.Those envious of us most often don't mean us harm. They are not wishing for bad to befall us. The 'ayin hara' is simply the result of their feeling of envy. And we who suffer from it have no idea that the source of our distress is the 'ayin hara'of another. The 'ayin hara' effect operates in the shadow of our lives. Red strings aside, essentially the 'ayin hara' is something we can neither control nor prevent.
And yet Rav informed us that 99% of people's death is because of it!
This week we read in the Torah the parsha of Balak. It tells the story of the non-Jewish prophet Bilam, and his attempt to curse the Israelites in the service of Balak the king of Moab. Each time Bilam attempted to utter curses, G-d protected us and turned the words of Bilam into blessings. The Israelites never knew they were at risk. The whole drama happens in the shadows. Yet clearly we, the Israelites were vulnerable. Were it not for the Divine protection, unknown to us, we might have sustained harm.
On a basic level the Torah tells us the story because it reveals to us how much we are loved and protected by Our Father in Heaven. Like our ancestors in the wilderness, we too are often protected from harm unknown to us by Hashem's care and intervention. So much of G-d's gifts to us go unrecognized because they, like the danger of Bilam and our rescue, live in the shadows.
Yet the lessons here are not only about our relationship to our G-d. I think there are intrapersonal lessons here as well.
Many of you, like me, may have read MAD Magazine as adolescents. You then will recall the main character, a nerdy looking kid named Alfred E. Newman. His signature line was "What me worry?". Now whats funny is that if anyone had to worry it was Alfred E Newman. He was not a strapping, good looking. robust 6ft2 jock. He was freckeled faced and awkward looking. He was very much the wimp. If a 'jock' said "what me worry" we would understand, but Alfred E Newman?
Yet with all we have been discussing Alfred E Newman's lack of worries makes total sense. Worrying ruins our lives. Its causes us to live in the future at the expense of enjoying our present. We are anxious over things that have not yet happened and may never. The worry diminishes our capacity to make choices helpful to us. It causes us lack of sleep, prevents us from experiencing the gift of the moment. The fear of what may be takes up our time and energies. It depletes us and robs us of our capacity to maxamize the here and now opportunities.
Typically we may try to mitigate our fears. We try to contain the things that may harm us in the future.In a limitted way we do that successfully when we take out life insurance.But many people spend their whole lives trying to protect themselves from the future, living life as if they were paying insurance to protect against loss. Forever cautious, forever ruled by fear, they think that if they live a regimented life they can prevent the harm from coming.
They live live protectively.
Rav already taught us that's a fools game. Ninety nine out of a hundred people die from 'ayin hara' One can't protect oneself from 'ayin hara'. The story of the parsha tells us similarly that those things that really threaten us live in the shadows, like Bilam's curses. We all have our Bilams. They are the dangers that threaten us far more than that which we know about and worry over consciously.
No, the response to worry can not be a life devoted to mitigating threats. The only true response is to recognize that we are all no better protected than Alfred E Newman. We have no immunity to the dangers that are ever-present and menacing. No insurance can safeguard us. Once we accept that, once we truly realize at a deep level that our vulenrability is as inevitable as life itself, we have no choice but to live with our uncertainties and to let go of the worry to no useful end.
The dangers for us are always present and mostly unknown. I dare say that what we thought when we were young would be the threats in our lives turned out not to be the ones we, in fact, had to confront. We had no way to anticpate what to worry over. And that remains as much true today.
We cannot make ourselves into supermen and superwomen,beyond the dangers, especially those that lurk in the shadows. We all are very much like Alfred E Newman.In the face of that which can harm us we are all wimpy adolescents. Our life work is not about self protection. Rather it is about trusting in Hashem and in the face of the ever-present dangers saying "What me worry!"
Shabbat Shalom
We know the 'ayin hara' is put on us by others, often those envious of us. In virtually all cases, neither the one causing the 'ayin hara' nor the one affected by it is aware of the dynamics.Those envious of us most often don't mean us harm. They are not wishing for bad to befall us. The 'ayin hara' is simply the result of their feeling of envy. And we who suffer from it have no idea that the source of our distress is the 'ayin hara'of another. The 'ayin hara' effect operates in the shadow of our lives. Red strings aside, essentially the 'ayin hara' is something we can neither control nor prevent.
And yet Rav informed us that 99% of people's death is because of it!
This week we read in the Torah the parsha of Balak. It tells the story of the non-Jewish prophet Bilam, and his attempt to curse the Israelites in the service of Balak the king of Moab. Each time Bilam attempted to utter curses, G-d protected us and turned the words of Bilam into blessings. The Israelites never knew they were at risk. The whole drama happens in the shadows. Yet clearly we, the Israelites were vulnerable. Were it not for the Divine protection, unknown to us, we might have sustained harm.
On a basic level the Torah tells us the story because it reveals to us how much we are loved and protected by Our Father in Heaven. Like our ancestors in the wilderness, we too are often protected from harm unknown to us by Hashem's care and intervention. So much of G-d's gifts to us go unrecognized because they, like the danger of Bilam and our rescue, live in the shadows.
Yet the lessons here are not only about our relationship to our G-d. I think there are intrapersonal lessons here as well.
Many of you, like me, may have read MAD Magazine as adolescents. You then will recall the main character, a nerdy looking kid named Alfred E. Newman. His signature line was "What me worry?". Now whats funny is that if anyone had to worry it was Alfred E Newman. He was not a strapping, good looking. robust 6ft2 jock. He was freckeled faced and awkward looking. He was very much the wimp. If a 'jock' said "what me worry" we would understand, but Alfred E Newman?
Yet with all we have been discussing Alfred E Newman's lack of worries makes total sense. Worrying ruins our lives. Its causes us to live in the future at the expense of enjoying our present. We are anxious over things that have not yet happened and may never. The worry diminishes our capacity to make choices helpful to us. It causes us lack of sleep, prevents us from experiencing the gift of the moment. The fear of what may be takes up our time and energies. It depletes us and robs us of our capacity to maxamize the here and now opportunities.
Typically we may try to mitigate our fears. We try to contain the things that may harm us in the future.In a limitted way we do that successfully when we take out life insurance.But many people spend their whole lives trying to protect themselves from the future, living life as if they were paying insurance to protect against loss. Forever cautious, forever ruled by fear, they think that if they live a regimented life they can prevent the harm from coming.
They live live protectively.
Rav already taught us that's a fools game. Ninety nine out of a hundred people die from 'ayin hara' One can't protect oneself from 'ayin hara'. The story of the parsha tells us similarly that those things that really threaten us live in the shadows, like Bilam's curses. We all have our Bilams. They are the dangers that threaten us far more than that which we know about and worry over consciously.
No, the response to worry can not be a life devoted to mitigating threats. The only true response is to recognize that we are all no better protected than Alfred E Newman. We have no immunity to the dangers that are ever-present and menacing. No insurance can safeguard us. Once we accept that, once we truly realize at a deep level that our vulenrability is as inevitable as life itself, we have no choice but to live with our uncertainties and to let go of the worry to no useful end.
The dangers for us are always present and mostly unknown. I dare say that what we thought when we were young would be the threats in our lives turned out not to be the ones we, in fact, had to confront. We had no way to anticpate what to worry over. And that remains as much true today.
We cannot make ourselves into supermen and superwomen,beyond the dangers, especially those that lurk in the shadows. We all are very much like Alfred E Newman.In the face of that which can harm us we are all wimpy adolescents. Our life work is not about self protection. Rather it is about trusting in Hashem and in the face of the ever-present dangers saying "What me worry!"
Shabbat Shalom
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Respecting Our Limits
There is an old saying, "the more things change, the more they remain the same." That could be applied to an episode in this week's parsha of Chukat. The Torah again tells us of the complaints of the People of Israel. Miriam died and they found themselves without water. Rather than simply ask Moshe's intervention, they again resorted to whining. "And the People fought with Moshe saying to him 'We would have been better off dying as our brothers died before Hashem. And why did you bring the congregation of Hashem to this wilderness for us and our animals to die. And why did you take us out of Egypt to bring us to this evil place..."
Sounds familiar right! But their is one critical difference between this complaint and the others we have read in the weeks prior. While the tone and content feels the same, the people are different. This complaint was not issued by the generation of the wilderness, those who left Egypt. No, that generation already died in the wilderness. Now we are at the end of the 40 year journey and its the children Moshe is dealing with, the ones destined to enter the Promised Land. This story occurs, as the Torah tells us, after Miriam died. The complainers were a new generation. Can you imagine how frustrating it must have been for Moshe to hear and see the children acting no better than their parents. Indeed he must have wondered whether this People would ever mature and become worthy of their destiny.
Its at this point, here in the story of the People's revolt over the water, that the Torah informs us that Moshe and Aharon sinned. The Torah conceals from us exactly what they did that was considered sinful. We know from the verses that they failed to sanctify G-d in front of the people. But what that failure consisted of is not clear. Rashi explains they hit the rock rather than speak to it in order to draw forth the waters. The Rambam explains its was Moshe's anger at the people that was unwarranted. Their is much to explore among the commentaries here. One thing is certain, the sin was consequential. Moshe and Aharon were condemned to die in the wilderness, and not enter Israel, because of it. We read of Aharon's death already in this Parsha of this week.
The question I want to explore with you however is not the nature of the sin committed but rather how it is that Moshe and Aharon came to commit it. I mean, Moshe and Aharon weathered the People and their testings of G-d over and over. Ten times G-d says they tested Him in the 'midbar'. Each time Moshe and Aharon found a way to lead with excellence, never getting compromised by the rabble and their agenda. They remained above the storm.
Why here? Why now? Why are Moshe and Aharon vulnerable? Now when the journey is near done and they are at the gateway to Eretz Yisrael, how is it that they experience a lapse of leadership?
I believe if we but read the story with a focus on what the text is trying to teach me the answer is clear and compelling. What does the story of the 'mai mereeva' begin with? If you recall the lead-in tells us of the death of Miriam. The Sages already explained that the well in the wilderness that sustained the people for 40 years was in the merit of Miriam. When she died,immediately, the waters dried up. The mutiny followed.
Moshe and Aharon were grieving. They had lost their sister. And not just any sister. Miriam in many ways was like a mother to Moshe. It was she who watched over him in the Nile. In the wilderness, from all we can surmise, Moshe's only friends were his brother and sister. When Miriam dies Moshe and Aharon are vulnerable. Do they get to sit shiva? Do they get to be comforted? Do they have the leeway to take time off from their responsibilities and mourn?
Its certainly not clear they did. And the People's harsh complaints over the water occur immediately after Miriam's passing. That's when the well dried up. Even the best of us, even Moshe our great teacher, is vulnerable to mistake/sin when in a compromised state of being. Even Moshe and Aharon can err when they are off center. And nothing puts one off his/her center like sustaining a loss, especially the loss of a loved one.
Our wise tradition mandates that we take care of ourselves. We need to know that we are compromised in the aftermath of a loss. It does not matter whether the loss is the passing of someone we loved or the grueling process of a divorce. Loss is loss. And in the context of loss even when we feel ourselves able and capable of decision making, we really are not. We are not fully ourselves. And frequently it takes years to be restored to the person we were prior to the major loss.
Many a professional in human dynamics has advised those coping with loss not to make major decisions in the first year or two after a significant loss.
The lesson the Torah is teaching us here is both relevant and personal. We need to know that no matter how strong our resolve or how firm our faith, we are impacted by life circumstances. We need to be sensitive to our limits and neither render important decisions/advice for others nor make decisions for ourselves in times of
vulnerability.
The story of the parsha tells us the consequence for Moshe of his sin at a time of personal vulnerability, a weak moment for which he paid a huge price. I dare say the price we may pay, G-d forbid, for making a decision at a time when we are not fully ourselves can have equally long lasting deleterious consequences.
It's vitally important we take care of ourselves and respect our emotional limits.
Shabbat Shalom
Sounds familiar right! But their is one critical difference between this complaint and the others we have read in the weeks prior. While the tone and content feels the same, the people are different. This complaint was not issued by the generation of the wilderness, those who left Egypt. No, that generation already died in the wilderness. Now we are at the end of the 40 year journey and its the children Moshe is dealing with, the ones destined to enter the Promised Land. This story occurs, as the Torah tells us, after Miriam died. The complainers were a new generation. Can you imagine how frustrating it must have been for Moshe to hear and see the children acting no better than their parents. Indeed he must have wondered whether this People would ever mature and become worthy of their destiny.
Its at this point, here in the story of the People's revolt over the water, that the Torah informs us that Moshe and Aharon sinned. The Torah conceals from us exactly what they did that was considered sinful. We know from the verses that they failed to sanctify G-d in front of the people. But what that failure consisted of is not clear. Rashi explains they hit the rock rather than speak to it in order to draw forth the waters. The Rambam explains its was Moshe's anger at the people that was unwarranted. Their is much to explore among the commentaries here. One thing is certain, the sin was consequential. Moshe and Aharon were condemned to die in the wilderness, and not enter Israel, because of it. We read of Aharon's death already in this Parsha of this week.
The question I want to explore with you however is not the nature of the sin committed but rather how it is that Moshe and Aharon came to commit it. I mean, Moshe and Aharon weathered the People and their testings of G-d over and over. Ten times G-d says they tested Him in the 'midbar'. Each time Moshe and Aharon found a way to lead with excellence, never getting compromised by the rabble and their agenda. They remained above the storm.
Why here? Why now? Why are Moshe and Aharon vulnerable? Now when the journey is near done and they are at the gateway to Eretz Yisrael, how is it that they experience a lapse of leadership?
I believe if we but read the story with a focus on what the text is trying to teach me the answer is clear and compelling. What does the story of the 'mai mereeva' begin with? If you recall the lead-in tells us of the death of Miriam. The Sages already explained that the well in the wilderness that sustained the people for 40 years was in the merit of Miriam. When she died,immediately, the waters dried up. The mutiny followed.
Moshe and Aharon were grieving. They had lost their sister. And not just any sister. Miriam in many ways was like a mother to Moshe. It was she who watched over him in the Nile. In the wilderness, from all we can surmise, Moshe's only friends were his brother and sister. When Miriam dies Moshe and Aharon are vulnerable. Do they get to sit shiva? Do they get to be comforted? Do they have the leeway to take time off from their responsibilities and mourn?
Its certainly not clear they did. And the People's harsh complaints over the water occur immediately after Miriam's passing. That's when the well dried up. Even the best of us, even Moshe our great teacher, is vulnerable to mistake/sin when in a compromised state of being. Even Moshe and Aharon can err when they are off center. And nothing puts one off his/her center like sustaining a loss, especially the loss of a loved one.
Our wise tradition mandates that we take care of ourselves. We need to know that we are compromised in the aftermath of a loss. It does not matter whether the loss is the passing of someone we loved or the grueling process of a divorce. Loss is loss. And in the context of loss even when we feel ourselves able and capable of decision making, we really are not. We are not fully ourselves. And frequently it takes years to be restored to the person we were prior to the major loss.
Many a professional in human dynamics has advised those coping with loss not to make major decisions in the first year or two after a significant loss.
The lesson the Torah is teaching us here is both relevant and personal. We need to know that no matter how strong our resolve or how firm our faith, we are impacted by life circumstances. We need to be sensitive to our limits and neither render important decisions/advice for others nor make decisions for ourselves in times of
vulnerability.
The story of the parsha tells us the consequence for Moshe of his sin at a time of personal vulnerability, a weak moment for which he paid a huge price. I dare say the price we may pay, G-d forbid, for making a decision at a time when we are not fully ourselves can have equally long lasting deleterious consequences.
It's vitally important we take care of ourselves and respect our emotional limits.
Shabbat Shalom
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Authority Issues
In the last perek of Sanhedrin the Gemara tells us some very surprising stories. Many stories concern the most wicked kings in our people's history. In fact the Talmud tells us that both Menashe and Achav, were greatly knowledgable in Torah. Yet they were devoted to pagan worship. Still more surprising is to find that both these and other kings were not motivated to idolatry because they did not believe in G-d, nor even because of the desire for 'avoda zara', a desire the Talmud tells us was strong in those times. No, these kings pursued idolatry because they wanted to rebel against the G-d they believed in. They knew Hashem and wanted to offend Him.
In modern psychology we might say these kings had authority issues. They simply could not bear to be accept the authority of another, even to their own harm.
This weeks parsha that of Korach tells us a similar story. No, I am not referring to the revolt of Korach himself. We might argue, his challenge to the leadership of Moshe was not motivated by authority issues but rather by his own desire to be the 'leader'. His ego led him.
I am referring to a later development in the Korach story. The Torah tells us after the revolt and the miraculous death of Korach and his band of 250 men,a calamity with greater consquence occurred. "On the next day, the people complained against Moshe and Aharon saying 'You caused the death of the people of Hashem'". That inappropriate complaint brought Hashem's wrath that manifest itself in a plague that killed near 15,000 people and, were it not for Moshe's intervention, likely far more.
The Ramban understood the people's complaint against Moshe in a rather intriguing way. The People, he argued, accepted that Aharon was the true kohain, designated to serve in the Mishkan. They had no sympathy with the revolt of Korach. They had seen at the dedication ceremony of the Mishkan how the fire came down from heaven to consume the offerings Aharon had brought.
But the people did have sympathy for the 250 men with Korach. Those 250 were not arguing for the right to be priests. They were, in tradition, first born,as the Torah tells us, all men of distinction. They wanted only to be restored to their place with the Levites, assisting in the Sanctuary, a role formerly reserved for the first born. The people who complained to Moshe argued that he unfairly brought about their death. The 250 were consumed with fire when they brought the 'ketoret'. The people argued that was a set-up. The 250 never saw themselves as worthy to be 'kohanim'. Why were they challenged to confront Aharon with bringing the incense? Of course, the people argued, that would be against G-d's will. And not surprisingly it brought about their death. But it was Moshe who designed that 'test'. And he unfairly set them up to fail and die.
The Ramban's explanation seems to present a compelling argument. We might well wonder what was then was wrong with the People's complaint. Moshe seems vulnerable here.
On reflection we can see that the People's complaint, while seemingly having a point, was not motivated by compassion for the killed nor even by a search for truth. If that had been the motivation the People would have come to Moshe and Aharon and asked their Rebbe and Teacher to help them understand why he did what he did. They did not. Instead they criticized Moshe. And their criticism was most personal, "You killed the people of G-d".
Even if the issue they raised warranted a response, the way they brought it clearly indicated they had an 'authority issue' with Moshe that trancended the current incident. They challenged Moshe's right to lead. Sadly, they too, like the kings discussed in the Gemara we brought earlier, paid a heavy price for their struggle to accept authority.
What about you and me in relationship to authority. Most of us as teenagers had our moments of rebellion against authority, usually our parents. Does it remain an issue for us.
I would not be so quick to say we have out-grown it as an operating concern. Look at how we will often jump to lambast an authority figuire said to have done something wrong. Like the Israelites in the wilderness, as soon as we suspect someone in a position of authority relative to us, has done something we deem wrong we not only challenge what they did. We challenge their motivations, and even their goodness or right to lead.
We pay a price for our issues with authority. Perhaps not as severe a price as our ancestors, but our resistance to authority causes us to often throw out the baby with the bath water. We miss the message we need to hear because we dismiss the messenger.Too often we kill off the 'good' leader prematurely, and worse still, embrace a 'bad' leader in his/her stead. Those indeed are tragedies, even if hidden.
We need to look at the stories of the past not as history but as life lessons, relavent as much to us today and to those who acted in the dramas of yesteryear.
Authority issues and their stories must be our teachers.
Shabbat Shalom
In modern psychology we might say these kings had authority issues. They simply could not bear to be accept the authority of another, even to their own harm.
This weeks parsha that of Korach tells us a similar story. No, I am not referring to the revolt of Korach himself. We might argue, his challenge to the leadership of Moshe was not motivated by authority issues but rather by his own desire to be the 'leader'. His ego led him.
I am referring to a later development in the Korach story. The Torah tells us after the revolt and the miraculous death of Korach and his band of 250 men,a calamity with greater consquence occurred. "On the next day, the people complained against Moshe and Aharon saying 'You caused the death of the people of Hashem'". That inappropriate complaint brought Hashem's wrath that manifest itself in a plague that killed near 15,000 people and, were it not for Moshe's intervention, likely far more.
The Ramban understood the people's complaint against Moshe in a rather intriguing way. The People, he argued, accepted that Aharon was the true kohain, designated to serve in the Mishkan. They had no sympathy with the revolt of Korach. They had seen at the dedication ceremony of the Mishkan how the fire came down from heaven to consume the offerings Aharon had brought.
But the people did have sympathy for the 250 men with Korach. Those 250 were not arguing for the right to be priests. They were, in tradition, first born,as the Torah tells us, all men of distinction. They wanted only to be restored to their place with the Levites, assisting in the Sanctuary, a role formerly reserved for the first born. The people who complained to Moshe argued that he unfairly brought about their death. The 250 were consumed with fire when they brought the 'ketoret'. The people argued that was a set-up. The 250 never saw themselves as worthy to be 'kohanim'. Why were they challenged to confront Aharon with bringing the incense? Of course, the people argued, that would be against G-d's will. And not surprisingly it brought about their death. But it was Moshe who designed that 'test'. And he unfairly set them up to fail and die.
The Ramban's explanation seems to present a compelling argument. We might well wonder what was then was wrong with the People's complaint. Moshe seems vulnerable here.
On reflection we can see that the People's complaint, while seemingly having a point, was not motivated by compassion for the killed nor even by a search for truth. If that had been the motivation the People would have come to Moshe and Aharon and asked their Rebbe and Teacher to help them understand why he did what he did. They did not. Instead they criticized Moshe. And their criticism was most personal, "You killed the people of G-d".
Even if the issue they raised warranted a response, the way they brought it clearly indicated they had an 'authority issue' with Moshe that trancended the current incident. They challenged Moshe's right to lead. Sadly, they too, like the kings discussed in the Gemara we brought earlier, paid a heavy price for their struggle to accept authority.
What about you and me in relationship to authority. Most of us as teenagers had our moments of rebellion against authority, usually our parents. Does it remain an issue for us.
I would not be so quick to say we have out-grown it as an operating concern. Look at how we will often jump to lambast an authority figuire said to have done something wrong. Like the Israelites in the wilderness, as soon as we suspect someone in a position of authority relative to us, has done something we deem wrong we not only challenge what they did. We challenge their motivations, and even their goodness or right to lead.
We pay a price for our issues with authority. Perhaps not as severe a price as our ancestors, but our resistance to authority causes us to often throw out the baby with the bath water. We miss the message we need to hear because we dismiss the messenger.Too often we kill off the 'good' leader prematurely, and worse still, embrace a 'bad' leader in his/her stead. Those indeed are tragedies, even if hidden.
We need to look at the stories of the past not as history but as life lessons, relavent as much to us today and to those who acted in the dramas of yesteryear.
Authority issues and their stories must be our teachers.
Shabbat Shalom
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